I’m in the middle of a bad fight with depression right now. I have depression and I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking, “No way this little ball of sunshine. This little ray of happiness. This little person all wrapped up in kittens and glitter and sunshine and rainbows and unicorns.” I love unicorns. But it’s true. I am in a depression right now I am in a depressive state and it sucks beyond all knowing. Because for me – and everything I will say on this is what my depression is for me, it may not be the same for your aunt, your mother, your brother, your cousin, your sister, your friend, your teacher, your whoever. Okay? This is how my depression is.
And it sucks because it’s a liar. It’s a liar and a thief. It lies because it tells me things I know are not true. I know my family is not disappointed in me. I know my family does not hate me. I know that they don’t regret me being around. And yet, that’s what my depression is telling me. I know it is a thief because it is stealing joy from me. It is stealing family time from me. And if it gets bad enough, sometimes it’s steals my memory. I hate that the most because I become forgetful and if it’s one of those things where if you want to be a functioning adult – you want to be a human being – and all you feel like is this weird gray amorphous blob that just carries on from one thing to another.
I have six loads of laundry piled up on my couch because I couldn’t do it. Oh. Well, I got it done but I couldn’t get it folded or put away. My depression shows up in both insomnia and sleeping too much. It’s like a weird narcolepsy where I’ll just be sitting there and I’m asleep (I’ll sleep for two three four hours if you let me.) With the insomnia, I will either not be able to fall asleep or I’ll wake up about an hour. That’s when I’ll be up for a good while before I can try to catch another two hours of sleep.
My depression makes me very mad and I take it out on my family. I know that they try to understand, but sometimes it’s a little hard to understand why the crazy lady is yelling about a piece of paper on the floor. Yeah, my depression makes me overreact about so many things.
I cried over a Tumblr post about a grandmother adopted by a demon she thinks is her grandson. I cried hysterically because it was so touching and we’re coming up on the anniversary of my grandmother passing.
See. This is what happens. My depression makes me lie to my family. I tell them I’m okay. My depression makes me lie to myself because I tell myself I’m okay. I’m not.
In much the same way many people in the humor industry and comedy and industry cover up their pain and their depression and such with humor, I do the same thing. I I try to make light of very serious situations. I try to poke fun. I will read the dumbest puns or watch videos just to make myself not think. If I am not keeping my brain busy with 800 other things this happens. I knew this before I started working. I was a stay at home mom for four years and this was part of my problem every day. When I worked I realized that my mental health was better. Except for stress and anxiety at that point. I didn’t have to worry about depression because stress and anxiety took over for it. But I was very concerned when I when I walked out of my job. I knew my mental status would be at risk.
What am I going to do about it? I could sit here and bitch and cry and whine and all that about it.
I know that I will fight because that’s what I do. I will fight and I will keep fighting. I have three kids in my house that need me. I have a husband that needs me. And I need me. See, I found myself a bit ago and I kind of like the person I am. So, I will keep sticking around for a little longer.
So, yeah. Don’t think just because I’m depressed that I will sit in a corner, you know dyeing my hair black with it all in front of my face.
Things that my depression doesn’t do. It doesn’t hold on for long. It might make me not want to exercise or do my laundry or cook or eat or take care of myself or shower, brush my teeth, or look like a human being now and then.
But, what my depression doesn’t do is make me not want to breathe anymore. That’s a huge step from what it used to be. I will admit there were days in the distant past – those days are long gone.
So, you can call this a case of the blues or blahs or PMS. Whatever. I don’t care. Some of you may not get this but I think if you’re a train wreck and you’re reading, this then I think you know what I’m talking about. Those days where you sit and you stare at the ceiling and you think, “I don’t want to get out of this bed.” But you know at 6:30 in the morning you will poke one of your kids they make sure they’re up and out of the house in an hour. That’s where you find what you’re made of. You may go back to bed after that kid is out of the house. But at least you got out of the bed.
I know it will get better. And, it may come back. I’ve done great. I haven’t had one of these in a long time. So, this is awesome that I’ve held on. If you have this, know I get it. I understand. And you are not alone. We can keep fighting together. Okay? We got this and I know it will pass and it will be okay
So, I love you. You are worth it. And if nobody has told you today, I am proud of you.