I hate my anxiety

I’ve been looking forward to going to the minicon vintage stock was holding today. As soon as the Bunny left for the Weekend to go to a concert we started to head out.

We got vintage stock and I knew the second the door opened I had not prepared for this level of peopling. The din of robot fighting, an announcer on a microphone, and throngs of people in costumes and other wanting pictures with them. Vendors and artists saying hi. Kids yelling for their heroes.

And me. A sheen of sweat covered by back and palms which is no fun while you’re trying to hold on to your squirmy 4 year old. My husband found a safe base by talking to an old friend.

My son wanted to see the people so I was forced to pretend I didn’t feel like I was going to die. Fake smile on my face we watched not fighting and talked to Batman, wonder woman, supergirl, and even got a picture with Raven from teen titans.

The worst though is when I saw a Facebook friend and she was so excited to see me. Even introduced me to her family as her friend Jen. And because I was so inside my head I couldn’t remember her name and I’m afraid I came off rude.

It’s at that moment that I actively started panicking. I needed out. My heart was thumping, I couldn’t breathe, my hands shook, and I was dangerously on the edge of tears.

Thank the goddess for my husband. He recognized my tells and got me out. I’m now in the car holding a box of chicken. I hate my anxiety and what it keeps me from doing. I sometimes feel like I’ve got it beat. And then something like this happens.

I feel.defeated and angry. I feel like again I let my family down because of my invisible illness. You know, the one that is literally in my head. That’s why it’s called a mental illness.

I hope they have this again. I’d really like a mulligan on being a normal person.

3 thoughts on “I hate my anxiety

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      1. You can only do your best, you tried your hardest. No one can ask for more. There are days when I can’t even handle a room filled with people that I know and then there are other days where I can deal with hundreds of people.
        Well done for working to overcome your anxiety. I know how hard it is 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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