I hate my anxiety

I’ve been looking forward to going to the minicon vintage stock was holding today. As soon as the Bunny left for the Weekend to go to a concert we started to head out.

We got vintage stock and I knew the second the door opened I had not prepared for this level of peopling. The din of robot fighting, an announcer on a microphone, and throngs of people in costumes and other wanting pictures with them. Vendors and artists saying hi. Kids yelling for their heroes.

And me. A sheen of sweat covered by back and palms which is no fun while you’re trying to hold on to your squirmy 4 year old. My husband found a safe base by talking to an old friend.

My son wanted to see the people so I was forced to pretend I didn’t feel like I was going to die. Fake smile on my face we watched not fighting and talked to Batman, wonder woman, supergirl, and even got a picture with Raven from teen titans.

The worst though is when I saw a Facebook friend and she was so excited to see me. Even introduced me to her family as her friend Jen. And because I was so inside my head I couldn’t remember her name and I’m afraid I came off rude.

It’s at that moment that I actively started panicking. I needed out. My heart was thumping, I couldn’t breathe, my hands shook, and I was dangerously on the edge of tears.

Thank the goddess for my husband. He recognized my tells and got me out. I’m now in the car holding a box of chicken. I hate my anxiety and what it keeps me from doing. I sometimes feel like I’ve got it beat. And then something like this happens.

I feel.defeated and angry. I feel like again I let my family down because of my invisible illness. You know, the one that is literally in my head. That’s why it’s called a mental illness.

I hope they have this again. I’d really like a mulligan on being a normal person.

3 thoughts on “I hate my anxiety

  1. Anxiety is the worst! Well done for coping with it so well. I don’t mange crowds of people well at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish I could have done more to deal so my family could have enjoyed more. Thank you for reading.

      Like

      1. You can only do your best, you tried your hardest. No one can ask for more. There are days when I can’t even handle a room filled with people that I know and then there are other days where I can deal with hundreds of people.
        Well done for working to overcome your anxiety. I know how hard it is 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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