The Glorious Train Wreck Mom

This is a safe space for all train wrecks. Except here, we don't give you a puppy and a latte. We give you sarcasm and humor.

‘Tis the Saturday after Halloween so I’m catching up on all my recorded spooky movies. Which works because today I’m supposed to watch a performance. And since it’s not Christmas yet, I have no Nutcracker to watch. So, spooky movies it is. I recorded Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I loved it when I was younger. I must have been drunk.

I love the actors. Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder, and Gary Oldman are some of my favorite actors. However, in this movie, all I can say is wow. Actually, that’s not all I have to say. Or else this would be a very short chapter.
To start, let me say I have nothing against these people. I have loved Winona Ryder since Beetlejuice. From what I hear, Keanu Reeves is a true gentleman; he gives his seat up to people on the subway. And Gary Oldman is one of the most talented, versatile actors they have blessed us with.

That all being said, the only bright spot of this movie is Gary Oldman. I would let him nibble my neck any day. And can we talk about his wardrobe throughout the movie? Damn. Hottie McHotterson. His accent. His passion. He truly came across as a lovelorn Prince. A tip for anyone trying to be romantic. Use the line, “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” That line and the delivery of it is the sole reason I have a vampire crush. Seriously. If that was said to me, you would have to peel me off whoever said it.
Keanu wasn’t too terrible. I feel like he took the roll solely to break the surfer dude type casting hole he found himself in. It seemed he tried too hard to be Jonathan Harker. He was wooden if not all together two dimensional. His accent was ninety-five percent believable.
Which brings me to the main sticking point: Winona Ryder. Like I said, I have loved her in most everything she has ever done. Lydia Deetz is my spirit animal. And can we talk about her amazing comeback as Joyce Byers in Stranger Things? But, her portrayal of Mina Harker was painful to watch. In scenes when she is supposed to be sexy and sensual comes across as awkward.

The crowning aspect of her performance was her attempt at a British accent. I’m of the mind she should have gone the Kevin Costner in Robin Hood route. Strengthen your performance by losing the accent.

I really enjoyed this movie back in college. It was different from the old Bela Lugosi version of Dracula. But, once the novelty wore off it lost its charm, its sparkle, and its allure. The only aspect I still find enjoyable is Gary Oldman. He is one of the unsung heroes of the film industry. His range and talent are matched only by Tim Curry.
It’s strange how something you enjoyed twenty years ago can change so much. The movie itself hasn’t changed; I have. Maybe I’m more critical and cynical. Maybe it’s just harder to impress me. I can’t think the second is accurate because I tend to be amused by yarn, glitter, and corgis. I think the problem is I’m more critical and less likely to take things at face value.
I watch movies and read books to escape reality. In order for that to happen there still needs to be a level of realism for me. If you’re on the screen just going through the motions, it comes across. And it takes me out of the moment. It suspends belief for me.
Yes, I know. We’re talking about vampires here. But, still. If you want me to get into the story, then make sure your actors can pull it off.
Until then, I’ll continue with my horror binge. Today, I will watch a performance.

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