Asking an introvert to confide in someone it’s like asking a tiger to change its stripes in two spots. I happen to be one of those weird introverts that doesn’t say much at first but once I’m comfortable with you I will talk your ear off.
I don’t find it easy to talk about myself despite the fact that I have several books that actually do that. And I have this blog. And a YouTube channel. And I am working on my podcast. I don’t see those as talking about myself is sharing my experiences others.
It’s been my experience that you don’t really know who your friends are. People you thought you could trust use those things that you’ve told them in confidence to hurt you. In my situations, people I thought we were friends were just informants. They were flying monkeys. Even though I decided to leave that three ring circus the monkeys kept coming after me. They wore their masks. They got information and then they went back and told the ringleader. At first I was forgiving about it, even to the point of forgetting about it. I’d say things like, “it’s fine. it doesn’t matter it’s ok.”
That’s bullshit. it does matter. Its not fine. and it’s not okay. it hurts. It hurts to have trusted people only to have them sticking a knife in my back. I don’t know why they did what they did. I don’t know if they felt more loyalty to one person than to me.
All I can speak of is on my side of things actions like that make someone not want to have any friends. It makes me not want to make any new friends. That sort of behavior makes someone not want to get attached to anyone. It’s damaging. It’s manipulative and it’s just plain fucked-up.
And because of the kind of person I am, I do want to talk to people. I want to have friends. I want to share stories of my life and my kids and my family. But now I’m careful how much information I share so I don’t put myself in a situation.
With having blogs and YouTube channel and books, my life is pretty wide open for anyone. I share a lot of stuff with people to make them feel less alone in their situations. Yeah, I do talk about being in an abusive relationship. I share what it’s like living with anxiety and depression. And I share the lighter stuff like getting my son’s haircut and why I’d let it go so long and why he looked homeless. There’s not a lot that I don’t share with people in an attempt to be transparent.
During my divorce there was a lot Of me learning a lot about myself things. I was hearing about all sorts of new information about me. There was a complete smear campaign against me from my ex, my ex’s family, and from friends that we had together. I got to learn so much about myself during that time. And that’s why I decided to write again. I Started a Blog. hat’s I wrote a book. I figured if I said it and I put it out there then I could get to say, ” Tell me more about myself. Tell me something I don’t know about me.” When I started getting rid of those flying monkeys and when I started posting my truth the smear campaign stopped. The rumors stopped. And my healing was able to start.
I don’t find it easy to confide in people. I still have that fear that they’ll use that information against me. I have that fear that my jokes about selling my kids on Etsy will be taken seriously one day and I’ll get another visit from DFS. And sometimes I worry that the people I work for will read my books, read my blogs, watch my videos and decide that im not a good fit for them anymore. I guess that’s all part and parcel of being transparent and putting yourself out there. I put that information out there. I said those things. I wrote those things. Yes, you have the freedom of speech. you do not have the freedom of the consequences of your speech.
But if I tell you something and it’s supposed to be a you and me kind of thing and you go sharing that around town, that’s jacked up. I Have trouble confiding in people. I have trust issues. And I don’t know if my trust issues are part of my anxiety or if my anxiety is part of my trust issues. What I do know is that I hate wanting to do Something and being afraid to do so.
And I know your thinking, “well you have your husband. Confide in him.” you’re absolutely correct. I can and talk to him. he doesn’t post on Facebook. He barely posts on Twitter. he’s pretty reclusive. I absolutely can confide in my husband and I do. Sometimes. It’s only because of my trust issues that I worry. I worry if I say the wrong thing that’s going to be the one thing. The one thing that pushes him out the door or that kicks me out the door.
And logically I know that would not happen. Logically, I know that’s just the ferret in the back of my brain whispering this nonsense to me. And yet, I’m still afraid. I’m afraid to say too much. I’m afraid to say the wrong things. I’m afraid of the consequences when I actually do say something.
So for today I will confide in someone. It will most likely be my husband. I will Confide in him about being afraid to confide in him. I will assure him this has nothing to do with him. Unfortunately he has suffered because of other people’s bad Deeds.
Although I’m not sure he’s actually suffered. I mean he hasn’t had to listen to me bitch, whine, and cry about things. There are guys out there who really don’t want their wives talking to them. I’ve seen so many posts about guys who think the silent treatment is wonderful. It makes me wonder if he’s actually been suffering this whole time or just enjoying the silence.
Either way, I’m going to sit and talk with my husband. We will have a conversation and I will trust him. Because I know he loves me. The ferret In the back of my head just needs to shut up.
Today I will confide in someone.