Searching for myself.

Being a train wreck is a way of life. I think it started with me with an inability to focus and boundless energy. I was that kid. Always running. Always talking. Always leaping before I looked. Mentally and physically.

And even with anxiety and depression, I have always tried to be the clown for other people. The one that cheers them up. The “think positive” person. Because when you’re an empath, you need happy shiny, sparkly people around you. Their energy becomes your energy. So, when I can’t fix myself, I fix others. Because that makes all the sense in the world.

When I was a teenager, I discovered Tigger.

Yes. That Tigger. Bouncy flouncy, pouncy, trouncy Tigger. And I found my spirit animal. I found my soul mate.

Here was a creature that was content in his uniqueness. He was always there to help his friends. With a bounce in his step and his own theme song, Tigger bounced his way into my heart and my personality. So much so my nickname became Tigger. I became Tigger.

And then he was gone.

I know how it happened just not when or how long it took. I let someone else tell me my worth. I let someone else tell me my value. It was zero as far as he was concerned. And that became my inner voice. His voice became louder than Tigger’s. And eventually, I wasn’t Tigger. I wasn’t even me. I was a cardboard cut out of myself.

And then, he was gone.

And I had to find myself. I had support. Friends. Family. Other train wrecks. Over time, I found myself.

But he was still gone.

I missed that part of myself that I had before i was dumb and young and let someone tell me who i was. I’ve been searching for that piece for years.

And then he was found.

Not by me. By my boss. And she gave him back to me. All I did was walk into her office and she said, “Hey, Tigger.”

Like, wait. What? What did you call me? How could you know that?

“Well, you’re always bouncing around and so happy. Like Tigger.”

And I cried. Something I looked for was actually there the whole time. He never left. He was always with me. Because he’s part of me. All I had to do was be me.

I have always been flouncy, pouncy, bouncy, trouncy. Fun fun fun fun fun. And the most wonderful thing about it, is I’m the only one.