Camp Nanowrimo Day 5: Already off the rails

Self care? What’s that? Today’s the 4th of july. And people are coming. My husband’s family is coming. My in laws are coming.

Self care has left the building and it left the damn door open. Guess what strolled in? Anxiety. And that anxiety is edging towards a panic attack.

I meant to wake up at 5. Like I do every other day. But today, my brain sabotaged me. I hit the off button and went back to sleep. An hour and a half later, my dog is begging to pee. By 730 dishes are getting done. My floor is clean, swept, and stiffened.

But there’s still so much to do!

Lawn needs mowed. Fruit needs cut. Bathrooms need cleaned. I need a shower.

It’s only 9. They won’t be here till 3. And I tell myself it all doesn’t have to be done in an hour. It all doesn’t have to be done by me. I’m not the only one in this house.

That’s the rational part of my brain. Unfortunately it’s quiet and overshadowed by the brain ferrets gnawing on my brain stem.

The ferrets got me thinking people are going to run fingers over my lights and see I haven’t dusted them. They’ll inspect the sink and see the remnants of breakfast.

This is not unfounded. At Thanksgiving we caught my nephew’s wife snooping through our bathroom closet and my kids’ bathroom drawers. Like, who the fuck does that?

Even better, who lets that sort of thing affect future behavior? Especially knowing she won’t be back to do it again.

Answer: this train wreck.

It’s 11 and I still have to set up the water balloons, the water Canon station, clean the porch, set up seating, trim the dog’s nails and set up the kid stations for snappers and poppers.

Have I eaten? No. I’ve only had coffee. I don’t need food. I need help. And I realize it.

But right now, I need to take a breath. I need to tell the weasels to shut the fuck up. I need to ask for help. And accept it.

My self care for today is to accept that I can’t do everything myself and it’s ok to ask for help and take it. It’s not going to be pinterest perfect. But it will be good enough for me. So it will have to be good enough for them.

Until they show up, I will watch Hamilton and get a shower. And ask my kids to clean up the yard. And I will make sure the beer is cold and 911 is on speed dial because 4th in the midwesr means blowing shit up.

Until that time, I will calm the fuck down.


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