Camp Nanowrimo Day 8: I’m supposed to take a bath

I’ve already done the bath deal. I’ve told you all there is to it. Im not going to beat this dead horse any further.

Instead, let’s talk about sex. Ma, stop reading. No, seriously, just go to the next chapter.

Ok. I don’t usually talk about sex. It’s not something I’m comfortable with discussing with people. However, we’re in a quarantine  and people get bored. A look at all the pregnancy announcements on my social media will tell you how people have been passing the time.

I’m assuming many of these people don’t work from home or already have children because where do they find the time and energy? I’m exhausted. But I also have 3 kids, a dog, a job. And I’m in my 40s. Like, this fun house is now an abandoned carnival. If you love me, you’ll let me sleep.

During the course the pandemic pandemonium, I discovered the wonder and glory that is Samantha Irby. If you don’t know who she is, look her up. If you like my writing, you’ll love her. Like, I feel she could be alternate universe me. I would absolutely be friends with her if making friends as adults wasnt weird and awkward. And we probably would never meet in person, but I would totally text the crazy shit that is my life. Samantha, if youre reading this, I’m on twitter.

As part of one of the many book clubs I belong to, her book “Wow, No Thank You” was assigned. Is that the right word? I mean it’s not like we would be punished if we didn’t read it. Suggested. That’s a word. We’ll use that.

Anyway, in this book, Samantha has a full chapter of “Yeah, sex is great, but…” She lists about 100 things that are equal to or better than sex. It’s brilliant.

And it gave me an idea. So, I will now expound upon Samantha’s original idea but with my own train wreck mom twist. And I don’t know if there will be 100 of them. It’s 6 am and the coffee isn’t working yet.

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever woken up to find the leftovers put up without having to ask someone?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever woken up to pee and been able to fall back asleep after?

Yeah, sex is great, but has your kid ever brought you a cup of coffee made perfectly?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever woken up and not needed to pop at least three ibuprofen?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever gone a whole day without computer issues at work?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever read a book in a day?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever watched a movie based on a book and it actually follows the book?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever gone a whole semester without a call from your kids’ teacher, nurse, counselor, or principal?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever been able to brag about your kid to relatives who said she would never be successful?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever been the one to use up all the hot water?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever paid off your student loans?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever been able to walk onto a car lot, get approved, and drive off the lot in your new car?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever had your family eat a meal without complaint?

Yeah, sex is great, but has your kid ever walked the dog because you’re too sick to even stand up?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you binge watched Brad Mondo?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you binge watched Bailey Sarian?

Yeah, sex is great, but can we get a collaboration between Brad Mondo and Bailey Sarian?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever been able to get something from your Audible wish list because they had a 2 for 1 sale?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever found just the right pen that glides so smoothly over the paper?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever been able to eat all your fries without your kids wanting some?

Yeah, sex is great, but have your kids given you their fries because they don’t want them?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever been able to eat a candy bar in peace and quiet on your couch and not hiding in the pantry or bathroom?

Yeah, sex is great, but have your in laws ever come to visit and not make comments about the state of your house?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever had a family function where politics and religion weren’t discussed?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever had someone say they were proud of you and mean it?

Yeah, sex is great, but has your dog ever chosen to snuggle with you over your kids or partner?

Yeah, sex is great, but has the elusive stray cat ever let you pet his belly?

Yeah, sex is great, but does your car have heated and cooled seats?

Yeah, sex is great, but has anyone let you know you were the best they ever had?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever seen Karma in action?

Yeah, sex is great, but has your kid’s teacher told you you’ve done a great job with her?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever had a great hair day without trying?

Yeah, sex is great, but do you have a Roomba?

Yeah, sex is great, but have your kids said they love you without wanting anything?

Yeah, sex is great, but has your partner ever made your lunch for you?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever sat on the couch laughing at dumb videos in YouTube together?

Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever really had a connection with someone that transcends physical connection?

Yeah, sex is great.