Camp Nanowrimo Day 10: This isn’t working

Cool. 10 days into this challenge and I’m sliding down the rabbit hole. I’m really trying to find reasons for it.

I’m a week out from starting my cycle. And im premenopausal. So, even though PMS usually shows up about 3 days before, who the hell knows what’s going on there. My leg and back and hip feel better but I’m worried about injuring myself again. So, instead of training for a 5k, I’m walking for 15 minutes. Yay!

I’ve also lost several friends. Mentors, teachers, confidante types. People my age. People I worked with. People I cared about. I’m no longer just at that age when my heroes are dying. Now it’s my friends.

I had to cut a friend loose. And it hurts. Like I’m sure she’s hurt too, but it wasn’t easy. She’s known me and my kid nearly 16 years. But I’ve been able to look at the relationship and see it was toxic. And she was still in contact with my ex. And if you have read my first book, you’d know why that’s not ok.

And speaking of toxic things, I had been helping a friend plan her escape from a toxic relationship. I’ve watched her grow and bloom in a short 2 weeks. Then, boom, oh hey I’m on my way to Colorado. Huh? What? Now? Really? Um ok.

I’m happy for her getting out of her shit relationship. But she’s one of maybe 5 people I’ve really connected with since moving out to Jomo. I just seem to not be able to hold on to anyone anymore.

So, I’m recognizing the signs. I’m noticing how I want to stay in bed. How I don’t want to go for walks. I feel like i need a hug but I don’t want to be near anyone let alone touched. I’m not hungry. I don’t even want to continue this challenge.

And here’s where the self care steps in and says, “ahem, bitch. You need me.”

And that’s true. Except I don’t need music or candles or bubble baths. I need to be gentle with myself. I recognize what’s happening and now i have to honor and respect that. I need to reverse and correct course.

So my message to you is to step back, evaluate and honor how you’re feeling and respect that. That’s self-care. Then you can start to heal and get better.

Today, I will use self care to crawl out of the rabbit hole.


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