Just started and already failing

Well, train wrecks. Here we are. We made it to 2021. And if your social media feed looks like mine, you’ve already been inundated with New Year New Me posts.

That’s all well and good. It’s a great thought and sentiment. But when you look at the fact that most people give up their resolutions by January 19, you realize that maybe they never wanted to be new. Just improved.

That’s what I want at least. I don’t want to be a new me. I’m ok with many aspects of my me-ness. What I need to work on are the not so stellar parts. Some are easier to deal with and change.

And because I’ve wanted to be an improved train wreck, I’ve spent every day since Christmas hyperfixating on things I feel make me a not so great human and what I need to do to change that. And I found a lot

Because of the pressure I’ve put on myself, I’ve now developed hives and my hair is falling out. I’ve also been stress eating and put on half the weight back on that I’ve lost this year. See, I’ve got big goals for myself. And the say if your dreams don’t scare you then they’re not big enough. Mine are so big I’ve been having nightmares. Fan friggen tastic. Because why not give myself anxiety over trying to be a better person, amirite?

My goals for this year included, editing my NaNoWriMo project and publishing it, editing my first book for audio, doing a book signing, paying for marketing, writing at least three books, and by the end of the year, making $500 a month. This includes a newsletter, blogging, vlogging, tiktoking, On top of working full time and family life with three kids, a husband, and a dog.

It’s the second day of the new year and I already feel like I’m failing. I was supposed to get the first three chapters out to my beta readers. I was supposed to have chapter 4 edited today. I should have been working on a newsletter and mailing list. Merch. Marketing. Excuse me while I pop more Benadryl.

Now, let me be clear on this. Not one member of my family is putting an ounce of pressure on me. This is all me. Apparently I feel like hating myself and causing myself more pain and frustration is the path to true happiness.

What the hell is wrong with me?

What I really need are some goals and ways to improve that won’t cause me to have a breakdown by MLK day. So, here we go. Goals for train wrecks.

1. I will take more than one shower a week. I don’t have to wash my hair. Just get in, lather, rinse.
2. Brush teeth at least once a day. Even if I’m not going to work. Even if I’m not going to Walmart.
3. Change out of clothes once a day. Shirt and pants.
4. I will put more in my stomach than just caffeine before noon.
5. I will put more in my stomach than just chocolate after noon.
6. I will put more in my stomach than just alcohol after work.
7. I will not judge my accomplishments against others’. They are not me. I am not them.
8. I will remember that sometimes my mental illnesses are too big for me to fight when I’m hungry or tired. Rest is not for the weak. I am not weak.
9. I will remember this: The experts are wrong and tout their ideas to sell books. There is nothing wrong with my kids and I’m a good mom.
10. I will hug my babies good night. I will kiss my husband more. I will read more stories. I will put my phone down when they talk to me. I will be more present for them. Because they deserve better.

So, there’s my train wreck goals. I think they’re a little more sustainable. What are your goals? What do you hope to accomplish this year? Remember, 2021 has it easy. It doesn’t have to be the best. It just has to be better than 2020. I think that’s something we can all do.

Good luck, train wrecks.