The Glorious Train Wreck Mom

This is no joke.

I have 3 kids living with us. 2 bio 1 bonus. My mother in law also lives with us. My dog barks at nothing. Each kid has a device and no internal monolog.

My own internal monolog is loud and im multiple voices.

Work – did I get those updates, did I answer that email, what’s going on with Bonefish, if she talks to me like that again…

Writing – I need to edit more chapters, how do I do an audiobook, should I redo my covers, do I need merch…

Mom – does she need a tutor, when do we talk about college, when are ACTs, is he reading enough…

Wife – am I attentive enough, does he know I love him, is he tired of me, how do I tell him I think we need wills…

Me – it’s loud, it’s bright, so many smells, why does my skin hurt, my eyes are blurry again, am i going blind,, why can’t I focus, why can’t I understand what they’re saying…

That’s all at the same time. Then there’s the intrusive thoughts. The random walk in thoughts that just show up unannounced, say some bullshit, then leave. But the damage is done.

Mom falling down the stairs. Kids in a bus accident. School shooter. Work shooter. Ex shows up. IRS shows up.

I’m exhausted. All the time.

And to try to silence some of the noise I hyperfixate on things like books, knitting, and crochet. I’ve organized my bookshelf every week for the past month. Because it gave me one thing to focus on. One thing.

I’m running a race all day and night. Maybe I need to lay off the coffee (over my cold, dead, shaking hand). Maybe I need therapy.

To Moms – be gentle with yourself. You’re fighting invisible battles all while expected to be June Cleaver. Don’t forget your pearls. Communicate with your family when you’re feeling overwhelmed. My family has realized when I get home, I will go to the bathroom and sit in there for about 10 minutes. Then I will walk the dog for another 10 minutes. That’s my time. That’s my reset. I know this is hard. But sometimes you have to step away, take a breath, find your center, and sweep your brain out.

To Mom’s support team – ask her if she’s pk. She’ll lie. She’ll say she’s fine. She’s not fine. Give her that time. Reassure her. Make her a snack. Buy her coffee. Take her to a bookshop. (Wait that’s me, sorry). Support her. Check in with her. Remind her to check in with herself. Just that little bit helps her to know she’s not alone. That is huge.

For everyone – life is still crazy. If you’re having troubles emotionally or mentally, reach out. There’s no shame in it. We are breaking those stigmas. Mental and emotional wellness is just as important as physical. And while, yes, there is a global viral pandemic going on, there is also a mental pandemic. But that doesn’t really make headlines, does it?

I love you. I’m proud of you. And if you need to talk, I’m here.

Stay safe, train wrecks.