A Train Wreck Divided

Welcome aboard, train wreck.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’m a libra. Choices do not come easy to me. Things aren’t always black and white. There aren’t fifty shades of gray. It’s more like five hundred. And most of it is showing up in my hair.

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I need insight. I caught word that a marketing position will be opening up soon at my job. I wouldn’t get a raise. It would be a lateral move. But I would be able to use my creativity. I would be able to blog (about fire safety and safety in general, but still.) I would be able to put together potlucks and contests. I would be able to use my social media marketing skills.

The problem? I love my job right now. I love my team. I love my bosses. And I’m comfortable. I’m the senior rep on the Nationals team. I know things about the other sections because I had them. I know how to bill them if I need to help. I know who to call. I know the procedures and protocals.

But I really would love to be able to use these things I’ve taught myself over the last five years and make money. Like I wanna put in an application just to see if I can get it. But then, what do I do if I get it?

And I hate disappointing people and I would have to tell my boss that I’m leaving. The last time I told my boss I was leaving I cried. Because I loved that job, too. I loved doing quality for my call center campaign. I saw it as an opportunity to help people do better. It’s not like I left on bad terms. I probably wouldn’t have left if my husband hadn’t told me about the job I have now. I would have been a fool to turn down the money and benefits and regular hours. And I’m glad I took the chance on this. I had my doubts and fears. It had been so long since I had an office job. I didn’t know if I could do it.

And I have this weird two year thing that seems to be happening. I spent two years at the daycare before I walked out. I spent two years at the call center. I’ve been at this job and position almost two years. I don’t know if I’m bored or just getting itchy feet. OK. I left the daycare because micromanagement sucks and no one should work under a bug jar. That Time I Quit My Job tells the story of me walking out. For the record, I had never walked out on a job ever.

And then there’s the ever present anxiety. (Straight got told I wouldn’t have so much anxiety if I didn’t worry so much.) What if I fuck it all to hell? What if I can’t keep up with the numbers and facts and figures? Because marketing isn’t just cool graphics and soup cookoffs. I mean, marketing is huge. This is the image we project out. Not just to our customers but our team.

But I’m also barely hanging in with my job now. It’s getting to the point I can’t keep track of one sprinkler job from another. Not to mention the subcontractors and having to credit back invoices that have already been paid. And my bosses haven’t said anything to me. I haven’t been pulled into the office. I haven’t been written up. The most I’ve gotten is a phone call just asking me to double check my facts and figures before I send an email out. I now have a sticky note on my monitor that says, “Take a breath. Take a moment. Proofread.”

Back in August I took over the accounts for nursing homes. I’ve built relationships with the high ups and the admins and the maintenance crews. I’ve developed inside jokes with some of our techs that go to these places all the time. I do everything for these facilities. I put the tickets in. I invoice. I provide updates. I’ve even started to know the trouble maker residents’ names. It’s like having grandparents again that I can check on.

I would be removed from all of that. I would be in a different section of the building. I wouldn’t have my own cubicle. I would have to share an office.

Did I mention there might be travel and presentations and public speaking? Like, um, holy shit. That’s a whole nightmare.

But if I could make a living with my creativity and writing, I would cry. I mean that’s the goal, right? That’s the dream. That’s what I’ve always wanted to do. And then I could learn more tips and tricks that could carry over to my own personal blog.

But if it doesn’t work out, I know I would have to interview again for my old spot. If it was open.

And let’s face it. If I were any good at this marketing stuff to start with, I would have more than fifty views on a post. I would have made more than five bucks in ad revenue. My affiliate links could have paid for Christmas.

But I know there are courses out there. I just signed up for one today. And the girl I would be working with sent me eleven others. I could literally learn all year long about this. And I would get better. And I already know I’m good at SEO; I just fell out of practice with it when I stopped doing the YouTube channel. And I do know what I’m doing. I think I’m getting hung up on education and certifications and titles and degrees.

But then I found out the girl who has the position doesn’t have a marketing degree. Like, what? Seriously? Her degree is almost as useless as mine is. Vocal arts? That’s a thing. I’m over here with an Associates in Theater, an Associates in Early Childhood Education, and Massage Therapy Certification. Not to mention my YouTube channel, my podcast, eight published books, and this blog. Like, I’m out here doing the damn things.

And I really want to talk to my boss about this but I don’t want to stress her out. She’s been dealing with so much, personally and professionally. But this is tearing me up. I literally feel like a rope in a game of tug of war. And I’m on both sides pulling. Is it a win win or a lose lose? Is it a Catch 22? Am I damned if I do?

Did I mention I tend not to play well with others? Like, because I’ve been doing these things on my own, I’ve developed my own strategies and systems.

But, if I were any good with them, then, again, I would be making more money and getting more views.

Loyalty and anxiety. Short version.

And the worst part, the job hasn’t even posted yet. I’m literally worrying about nothing.

And that is the essence of being a train wreck.