Welcome aboard, train wreck.
What is standing in your way right now? I talked about goals and resolutions yesterday. And a lot of people, me included, won’t make those goals. Why? What’s in the way? And how can I get around it?
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The simple answer to what’s in my way is me. I’m in my way. I overthink the size and scope of the task and underestimate my abilities to overcome it. I start blaming my anxiety and depression. I make jokes to cover up my fear and disappointment. But in the end, I already knew I wasn’t going to succeed. I set myself up for failure and when it happens I say, “I knew it.”
If you read yesterday’s blog, you’d know I have a lot of goals I want to achieve this year. And yes, losing weight and saving money are on there, too. Damn you, peer pressure. But I am looking at possibly starting a new position in my company. If they ever agree to open it. If I get the nerve to apply and interview for it. For this position, I need to brush up on my digital and social media marketing skills. Which I have and use. I just get stuck on the fact that I don’t have a degree or any formal training.
Aside from my job, I want to get back into a cleaning routine. I want to read more with my son. Self care is no longer an option. We need to get back into family meals.
And what success looks like for all of those is a less stressful job that pays more. A clean house I don’t have to apologize to my in laws for when they drop by. More memories. Less stress and not looking 54 at 44. And more time for discussion and memories and better food.
But on the other end, failure. I would be say I would be OK but I would be wrecked if I went out for this job and didn’t get it. Especially because I see those people every day. Rejection sucks. I don’t want to keep being lazy or relying on my mother in law and kid to keep my house from being on an episode of Hoarders. My son is growing up so fast. I just want to hold on a little longer. Before I know it he’s going to be grown like his sister. And I’m so tired of being upset when I look in the mirror.
I guess what I need is a to-do list. Something that says, at this time you do this. But then again, I’ve been there and done that. After a while, I ignore the alerts and alarms. And I really don’t know what I need to make this all work. Is it lower my expectations of me? Is that what I need to do? Or is this just me using my ADD as an excuse? Like I can do it but do I want to? If I really wanted to I would get it done, right?
I know a lot of it is fear. That sounds dumb. But it’s not wrong. If I get better, will I still be a train wreck? Will my husband still love me being as he fell in love with old me? And if I do these things then I won’t be the same person. If I get this new job, I have to learn so many new things and ways of doing them. And if I’m no good at it, would I be able to go back to my old job? Would it already be filled? And kids grow up. You can’t make them stay little forever. The tighter you hold on, the more they struggle to be free. I’m just not ready.
If I could just get over the anxiety and self doubt. That damned self doubt. I hate it. I hate the voice of it. I spent thirteen years listening to that voice in real life and now it lives in my head even though I’ve escaped. Even though I’ve said, “Enough. I’m better than this. I’m better than you. I don’t deserve this and you don’t deserve me.” That damn voice of those evil brain ferrets chewing at my self confidence, taking on his face. I’d like to play whack a mole with those ferrets.
And I’m sure my new insurance can help with that. Like my low self esteem has always been a thing. I can’t help wonder how much would be different without it. Add another thing to the to-do list. Find a doctor in the network and make an appointment.
I know I have it in me. I’ve overcome tougher. I’ve been homeless. A few times. I’ve been broker than a joker. I’ve faced down my abuser. Fought for my kid. And I’m doing pretty well now. So, I know I can do the things. I just need to get to the point where I believe I can.
And that’s where my friends and family come in. I’ve learned that when you have trouble believing in yourself, it’s good to have people who believe in you until you can do it yourself. Goddess honest truth, I couldn’t do half of what I do without my husband’s support. He literally tells me I can do anything. Well, except sell a kidney so I can buy a sloth. Apparently even dreams have limits. If he believes in me, I can do it. My kids are another support team. They’re my cheerleaders. And then the people I work with. My Gods, I have the best co-workers and even though they would be said to not be working with me they would be so happy for me. How did I get so lucky to have this amazing support system? I really hope everyone has at least one person like I have. I believe you could do anything when you surround yourself with the right people.
So, for today and every day after, I will look at my roadblocks. I will see if I can go over or around. And if not, do I go through or under? Because I refuse to stay on the road in that same spot. I don’t know what’s down the path past this obstacle. But it’s better than looking at a wall or pothole.
What are your roadblocks? Are they walls or just potholes? What are you doing to get over and around them?
This content contains affiliate links. When you buy through these links, I may earn an affiliate commission. Again, if you like what I post, please like, comment, share, and subscribe. Please consider donating to help keep this going. $1 and I’ll ask you what your favorite book is so we can talk about it. $5 and I’ll write a review of a book you suggest. $10 and I’ll write a blog suggested by you. That’s all I’ve got for today, train wrecks. All aboard.