Let me throw some trigger warnings at you. This is about mental illness. I talk about anxiety, depression, and suicide. If you’re not ok with that, that’s ok. I have lots of other posts for you to read. Please stick around and check them out. But if you know someone who could benefit from hearing this message, please share it with them. Thank you.
Listen. Here’s the thing. Therapy should be a safe space. You should be able to talk and say, “Yes. I don’t want to be here anymore.” They should have to hold back because of fear. Fear of what will be done. Fear of being hospitalized. Losing their kids. Losing their jobs.
I have had many times when I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted the pain to stop. The hurt. The noise. The fear. The panic. All of it. I was just tired of it all. And I wanted it all to just end. I didn’t want to be part of anything.
And I actually thought it would be better if I wasn’t around. Better for my family. They wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. My partner (now ex) wouldn’t have to yell at anyone anymore. I wouldn’t be a disappointment to him. My kid would be better off because I wouldn’t be around to show her my anxiety and depression. My friends wouldn’t have to be dragged down by me and my sadness anymore.
And I would finally get a break. A rest from my own internal battle. The war that’s been raging in my head since I was 15.
And this is all something I haven’t told anyone. Ever. Because I’ve been afraid.
See. The only thing bigger than the war inside my head is the fear. And maybe that fear was planted by TV and books about asylums and hospitals. Maybe it was watered by me ex as he told me I would lose my kid because I was obviously mentally unfit. And maybe it was fertilized with my own bias.
The thing is, I never actually wanted to die. Because I know that depression and anxiety are liars. I know my now husband would be heartbroken. My kids would be lost without a mother who loves them fiercely. And no parent should bury their child. No matter the age. I didn’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I just need a break from the noise.
And we shouldn’t be judged for that. We should be able to say, “I’m tired and I don’t want to do this anymore.” We should be able to say this and not worry if we’re going to carted off to loony bin.
It’s time to end the stigma. Break the cycle. It’s ok to not be ok and all those other platitudes are actually right. You are not alone. Your anxiety and depression are Liars. You are worthy. You are valuable. And if you’ve made it this far, I am proud of you. You are loved.