I’ve been here

Closet. Bathroom. Bedroom. Laundry room. Back porch. Car.

I’ve been everywhere, man. Crying. Sobbing. So hard I puked and shook and puked some more.

I’ve done this over a fight I had because of my daughter. I’ve done it because of a fight I had with my daughter. Calls about detention and suspension. Emails about failing grades. Finding out my ex was abusing her. Her suicide attempts and subsequent hospitalizations. Rough therapy appointments.

The list goes on.

Motherhood is rough. And we know that going in. It’s just that so is everything the hell else.

I’m a full time mom who works. With 3 kids. And my own anxiety and depression and PTSD. The world is a little much. And it’s muchier now than it ever has been.

Us moms are just out here trying our best to raise kids who can deal and cope in this world while also sheltering them from the too scary parts.

I know they say we’re strong. But sometimes we get tired of being strong and we want to collapse. We want to crumble. We want it all to stop.

I’ll be completely honest. I’ve had more thoughts about not being here in the last 2 months than I have had in the last 2 years. Don’t get it twisted. Not an active unaliving of myself. Just more of a stopping to exist. A fade to black as it were.

Because I’m tired. The mental load on mothers is impossible to deal with. Kids. Work. Housekeeping. Relationships. Self care. Finances. Meals. Aging parents. College.

It’s enough to break anyone.

And yet, mothers are expected to just smile through it. Be calm. Be genteel. Be Elsa. Conceal. Don’t feel. Be Donna Reed. Be June Cleaver. Be Pinterest Perfect.

Well I’m here to tell you it’s ok to break. It’s ok to fall apart. Caterpillars turn to goo before they become butterflies. A

And the fact that you’re worried about be a good mom leads me to believe you are already a good mom.

So let me tell you. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to take 5 minutes to cry in the shower. But it’s not ok to stay there. Don’t let the sadness eat you. Don’t allow the darkness to over take you. Yo

You are strong. But you’re also human. And even if mother is the name of God on the lips of little children (Thanks for that line go to The Crow) you are not, in fact, a deity.

You are a mom. And that is good enough. And if no one has told you today, I am proud of you.