I’m not ok

Let me preface this with trigger warnings. There’s talk of suicide here. My mental health is not good. And this blog had always been a safe place for this kind of thing. I hope, if you’re in the same place, you get help. Love yas.

You never realize how far down the rabbit hole you are until you hit the bottom and look up. That’s me right now. And I’m hoping this is the bottom. I’m hoping the ground doesn’t give way. I’m hoping I don’t fall any further.

Because last night I fell.

For the first time in a long time I thought about it. I didn’t have anything sharp near me. I didn’t have any pills around. But I thought about it. I thought about how they would all be better off. I thought about taken away their pain by taken myself out. I thought about how much happier they would all be if I were gone.

Then I fell asleep. And woke up. Numb.

I was so angry yesterday. Then so stressed. Then angry again. So angry. Hateful. Yelling. Screaming.

And then I threw an injured kitten out the door. Because it’s been using my kids’ carpet as a litter box. And I had it. I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed the kitten and took her to the backyard.

And maybe I was trying to get my family to hate me. That way when I’m gone it’s easier on them. Like, look at this horrible bitch. She threw a kitten out. Glad she’s gone.

The kitten is back in the house for those who were concerned.

My husband shouldn’t have defended me. I wish someone would see when I’m spiraling before this happens. Like please see I need help. Before I do this stupid shit.

Instead. Here I am. Not wanting to be here. But still having to go through the motions. Because I have so much on me.

Vet visits and bills for the three animals we have. Dentist visits and bills for me and three kids. I’m a manager now and my work load has tripled in a week.

I’m scared. I’m scared this will move past thinking. But I’m scared to get help because I can’t afford to not be at work. Because my mother in law may be moving out. And we have a tractor now. And chickens. And eyes that don’t work. And teeth that need fixed. And an AC that needed to be replaced so we had to take out loans.

Ans I’m so tired. Even when I sleep I’m worrying. And I’m scared. And I’m failing.

And I’m scared of failing. Because right now failing means I quit. And I succeed at the one thing I don’t really want to be successful at.

And instead of getting help, I took it out on a kitten. And I’m venting here. Because maybe the latter will help me realize I need to get some help.