How to Mom in 5 Simple Steps

I often get asked, “How do you do it? Full time job, writer, blogger, YouTuber, mom, wife, all around train wreck. It can’t be easy.”

It’s not, but I’m going to tell you how I do it all so you can follow in my train tracks.

Pump out a couple kids. Or marry someone who already has them. Even better, there are parks with kids all over. Just go grab a one or two. It’s OK. Their parents will appreciate the break.

Feed them. They need this regularly. Babies are the worst. All they do is eat. I found if you give them a loaf of crusty bread, it takes them a while to gum it down. Give it time. The older ones can usually fend for themselves. I’ve discovered between the ages of 1 and 7, the kids’ diet consists mainly of dirt, boogers, and sugar. Anything you ask them to eat will be viewed as an attempt to poison the child and they will be very vocal about it.

Keep them entertained. Lots of parents today just hand over a phone or give the kid a tablet. The old standby babysitter is the TV. But, I prefer to let them explore. Let them wander around and learn the neighborhood. Live in the country? Let them explore the woods and wildlife. Live near a scrap yard? Let them explore the urban jungle. Nothing builds street smarts and confidence like not being afraid of your own backyard.

Get them a pet. Everyone thinks about cats, dogs, and birds as pets. Why go out and get an animal when your house already has a plethora of friends to take care of. Leave out little bits of food on the counter and soon you’ll have your own colony of ants to take care of and learn from. Leave more food out and soon Mickey and Minnie will be moving in to live with your family. And they’ll be starting one of their own, too. There’s nothing like the joy of watching the circle of life take place right there in your kitchen.

Teach them responsibility. It’s never too early for your kids to learn to fend for themselves. So, as soon as they’re walking, teach them to cook. I start with dicing onions. They may cry a little but hey, onions do that to everyone. Teach them early how to handle life because as soon as they’re 18 you’re packing their bags and shipping them somewhere that isn’t the basement. Make sure they don’t try to move back in with you by switching their bedroom over to your own personal massage parlor. Because after 18 years of wiping butts and noses and taking care of everyone else’s needs, you deserve your own space.