It Never Ends

This. Every ounce of this. And there’s no break. No rest. It just bleeds into the next day. The next evening. The next night of broken, fevered dream filled sleep. The heartbreak of wanting to be better but just being too worn down, too tired to keep fighting, keep trying, keep awake.
And there’s no amount of self care that can fix it. No bubble baths and chocolates can fix the broken spirit of a mother who feels like she’s failing.
Calls from counselors, teachers, principals. Missing folders. Dinners cooked and not eaten. Snarky, snotty, smarmy comments. Forgotten lunch boxes. Missed school. Missed work. Missed appointments. Late projects. Late vaccines. Late for my own funeral.
And then fear creeping in turns to anger. Why couldn’t you help? What did you do? What were you thinking? Can you see I’m drowning? At least throw me a life preserver? We can only find one arm floaties.
And the anger doesn’t stop with the inner dialogue. It leeches out. Drips from my hair tips and finger tips. Poisoning, infecting everything I touch.
I should be quarantined.
Or put in time out.
And maybe this is just me. Maybe this just motherhood. Is it part of the birthing process to give birth to anxiety, fear, and doubt? Is that the after birth? “Here’s your baby and here’s a lifetime of belief that no matter how hard you try you will fail.”
What bath bomb am I supposed to use to fix this? Is there a box of wine that can make me feel less like I am less than? Is there a Better than Sex recipe for mom doubt cracked brain? Or do I just keep trying  and failing, and trying some more in an endless moebius loop?
But seriously, is there wine?


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16 thoughts on “It Never Ends

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  1. Jesus! He’s the answer to all of this.. Jesus! Seek him and you will be, baths and chocolates are temporary.. Jesus is a forever answer to your struggles and your children’s! I know bc I’ve been where you’re at.. condemnation defamations is. Conviction unlocks the greatest potential for change.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes yes yes! Jesus is my answer too. He is my refuge, my strength, my hope, my tomorrow. He is my rock when everything else shakes around me, he is my comfort when everything hurts inside, he is my peace when all is falling apart!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is exactly what I needed to see right now to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. It was like I wrote it myself . Thank you for being so open about mom life and the guilt we feel.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Literally just started crying reading it. I’m so over how hard everything is. And it just all feels so pointless. It so so so hard, and then pointless??

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Rarely do I read something that resonates so strongly, straight to the core of my heart.

    I know those moments well. It isn’t usually till after the fact that I look back at those broken and desolate moments and realize just how strong I really am… Because I didn’t give up. I kept going. And yes, it was one measly little, miserable, begrudged step at a time, but those steps added up to miles. In birthing our children we do give birth to fear, anxiety, and doubt… But we also give birth to a mama, a version of ourselves we may never have known existed. And DAMN is she strong…

    Thank you for sharing. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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