It Never Ends

This. Every ounce of this. And there’s no break. No rest. It just bleeds into the next day. The next evening. The next night of broken, fevered dream filled sleep. The heartbreak of wanting to be better but just being too worn down, too tired to keep fighting, keep trying, keep awake.
And there’s no amount of self care that can fix it. No bubble baths and chocolates can fix the broken spirit of a mother who feels like she’s failing.
Calls from counselors, teachers, principals. Missing folders. Dinners cooked and not eaten. Snarky, snotty, smarmy comments. Forgotten lunch boxes. Missed school. Missed work. Missed appointments. Late projects. Late vaccines. Late for my own funeral.
And then fear creeping in turns to anger. Why couldn’t you help? What did you do? What were you thinking? Can you see I’m drowning? At least throw me a life preserver? We can only find one arm floaties.
And the anger doesn’t stop with the inner dialogue. It leeches out. Drips from my hair tips and finger tips. Poisoning, infecting everything I touch.
I should be quarantined.
Or put in time out.
And maybe this is just me. Maybe this just motherhood. Is it part of the birthing process to give birth to anxiety, fear, and doubt? Is that the after birth? “Here’s your baby and here’s a lifetime of belief that no matter how hard you try you will fail.”
What bath bomb am I supposed to use to fix this? Is there a box of wine that can make me feel less like I am less than? Is there a Better than Sex recipe for mom doubt cracked brain? Or do I just keep trying  and failing, and trying some more in an endless moebius loop?
But seriously, is there wine?

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